I want to write about this because I feel so defeated this morning.
Last night I had a full on binge of chocolate and wine. Why do I do this to myself? All I want to do this morning is just crawl back under the covers and stay there. I don’t want to run. I don’t want to plank. I don’t want to go back to bootcamp. I just want to eat crap and not care about it any more.
It is cold here in CT, very cold. My husband is away. My daughter is a teenage girl. My son is on the spectrum. I made dinner last night and all three of us sat together, quietly hashing through our day. It was quiet and boring; the kids had a major delayed entry because of the snowstorm we’d had the night before.
After dinner, my daughter went back to her
lair room. My son asked for the last of his birthday cake. There was a little too much to serve just to him, but such a small sliver it seemed silly to save it. Right? I ate two bites of the birthday cake.
It was like releasing the effing beast. I poured a second glass of wine (I had had one with dinner) and cleaned up dinner while my son finished. I couldn’t get the taste of the frosting out of my head. It was insanely good. It was like crack. I needed more.
I rummaged through the cupboard to find any sort of viable replacement for the chocolate frosting. Dark chocolate? No, not sweet enough. Cookies? No, not intense enough (why on earth do I have all this crap in the house?!). AHA! Reese’s peanut butter cups. Perfect. I grabbed two and popped a whole one in my mouth while taking the other, and my glass of wine, to the den to watch TV.
I ate the second more slowly while drinking my wine. Both were so good that I decided more was in order. Sure, a nagging voice in my head whispered that it might not be a great idea, but I wrestled that sucker right down to the ground. Before it had a chance to get back up I’d eaten another cup and had a third glass of wine in my hand to take back to the TV room.
My son wished me goodnight, my daughter quietly went to bed and I sat there on the sofa feeling stupid. Awful. Full and heavy. And frankly? Not caring. Those damn peanut butter cups are freaking awesome.
Roni from Roni’s Weigh asked yesterday in her post, “Are you wiling to give up _________ to get to your goal of ________?” And in that moment, and even right now, the answer is clear to me. The reason I am not moving forward towards my goal is because I’m not. I want it all. I want the wine, the candy, the crap and the goal.
And this morning, I know that that’s not possible. Which is why I feel so defeated.