Wednesday Weigh In

Back and forth, back and forth, watch the number go up and down.

Well, at least this week it went down.  I definitely was more aware, more conscious, made a real effort to eat as little processed food as possible and dial back on the calorie density.   It worked.  I dropped 1.4 lbs this week, bringing me back into shouting distance of my 7/31 weigh in.

I have to say though, I still haven’t recovered my headspace.

My bootcamp class did a demo at a local fair this week, and it was time to suck it up and buy a tank top and look like I cared.  I’ve noticed that even larger girls like me look better in form fitting workout clothes from class, so I went and bought two black tops that held it in and showed off the curves.  I thought I looked OK, actually.  We went and did the demo and it was fun.  I felt like finally, finally, I was doing something really great for myself physically.

That is, until I saw the photos.  Ugh.

I looked like a big, black blob.  What was I thinking showing off my body?  I couldn’t help but think that everyone watching thought I had no business being there, wearing such form fitting clothes.  And the push ups?  There was my butt in the air, obscuring the perfect form I saw on every other person in the photo.  I hated every single shot of myself.  Hated.

While I continued to make decent food choices, that negative self talk continued through class on Monday.  When the moves were challenging I could hear the voice in my head telling me I didn’t belong here.  It was too hard.  Maybe I should quit.  I wasn’t getting any better at any of this.  I sunk to my knees doing the pushups and tried to keep my butt down.

Then yesterday, I met with my fellow race director from our 5K and the race director for the trail race coming up in town.  They both are serious, serious runners, and look it.  She was wearing her RAGNAR jacket.  They were talking about these weekend long ultra events where you run relays for a total of hundreds of miles with a team.  I stood there like they were from another planet.  How am I even considering myself a runner?  These people are runners.  I am just plodding along.

I know this will pass….I go through phases like this.  The trick is to keep my head down and keep faking it until I get through it.  At least I know that now.  Before I would have just given in, and given up during a time like this.

Current Week:  -1.4 lbs
Total Weight Left To Lose:  14.8 lbs
Age:  42
BMI:  28.3

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About mostlyforward

Somewhere on the journey to a better life, depending on the day...moving (mostly) forward.

2 responses to “Wednesday Weigh In”

  1. Susan Bleacher says :

    WOW! I think you were in my head! I had the exact same thoughts this week; I didn’t go to the gym all week because I felt out of place & stupid for even trying. Good to know it’s not just me.
    BTW, I’ve been reading your blogs for a while now, you are an inspiration No, seriously! 🙂

    • mostlyforward says :

      Susan, it’s hard to get that negative voice out of my head. I’m sorry you’re going through it too. At least I know it’s just a voice and I’m learning (sort of) how to ignore it rather than believe it. I hope you can too. Thanks for the kind words….very nice and appreciated!

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