Downward

I’m looking at these pictures right now and honestly, they feel so very far away, even though they’re only 48 hours old.

I got up early on Sunday to run the 5K.  I have been super excited about this ever since I knew I was going to FitBloggin.  I started Couch to 5K a year ago this month.  At this point last year I think I was rocking running maybe 5 minutes at a stretch.  I was really wanting to run the Inner Harbor and having this final moment of FitBloggin’ prove how far I’ve come.

I had a little trepidation once I entered the conference room where we were all gathered. Sure, there were all shapes and sizes.  But as I overheard the Real Runners talk about their “easy 8 minute pace” I started all of my usual negative comparison behaviors.  I didn’t want to be last.  I wished I’d worked harder this year, run further, faster.  Shouldn’t I be running faster by now?  My last 5K clocked me in at 40:13, which was my second worst.  I started to worry that maybe this wasn’t going to be a great final moment.  Maybe it was going to make me feel bad.

Once we got out there though, the sun and the scenery won out.  I found my steady pace and forced myself to just keep going.  It was a mostly flat course, so I was able to never feel that “OMG I am going to die right now” feeling.  The herd was well ahead of me, but I kept pace with a few women (fangirl alert:  I caught up to Susan Ito and was near her for most of the second half!) and finished feeling good.  Strong.  Empowered.  Which is why I did something stupid and posed for this photo at the Reebok booth totally sweaty and nasty.  I didn’t care.  I ran the whole 5K at Fitbloggin’.  I was a rockstar.

I said some quick goodbyes (nearly crying but making myself not) and went to my hotel to get cleaned up and hit the road.  My five hour drive home went quickly and I spent my very tired afternoon bonding with my kids and husband.  I went to sleep satisfied and honored and feeling like a new chapter in my life had just begun.

But.

Then I woke up.  First thing I did?  Step on the scale.

UP THREE POUNDS.  WTF?

Still, I forced myself onto the treadmill and walked three fast miles (who was it that said the treadmill was a tollbooth, and no matter what you owe it three miles?  That made me do all three.  I wanted to stop but that kept me going).  Then I sat down to the myriad of work emails, new friend emails, all manner of Twitter and Facebook fun.

Plus laundry.

Plus a messy house (I work from home).

Plus….everything.

And suddenly, the downward spiral began.  I could feel it.  And wouldn’t you know, instead of being inspired to eat all healthy as I had been for three days, I was more inspired to eat….anything.

And by the end of the day I was drinking wine and logging in 500 calories of trail mix (not the healthy kind, the kind with M and Ms) and a few hundred more of McDonald’s French Fries.  Self sabotage, welcome back.  I had a feeling you were waiting around the corner for me.

I feel so far from all of that energy and inspiration that was FitBloggin’.  I know it’s silly and crazy, but I miss all of those people that I didn’t even know this time last week.  I miss feeling like I’m surrounded by people Just Like Me.  And all I want to do is eat my crappy trail mix and look at Twitter and my photos and get back to where I belong.

But I can’t.

So this morning, I got up and went for a run.  I ran a 5K around my neighborhood.  And you know what?  It was easier than the last time I did it.  In fact, it was easier than it has been in a while.  I didn’t stop to walk.  I didn’t even really want to.

I felt good.  I felt strong.  I felt empowered.

And so….today’s another day.  I’m going to try, really really hard, to (mostly) move forward.

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About mostlyforward

Somewhere on the journey to a better life, depending on the day...moving (mostly) forward.

2 responses to “Downward”

  1. Heather H (@SushiJammies) says :

    I am so SO proud of you for running. I WILL run it next year, no matter how slow I go. Thanks for being an incredible person to meet. I can’t wait to see you in Portland (better start saving up, right?) 🙂

  2. Sylvia says :

    Blips happen what you need to know is you’re fabulous. Life is not a race. Comparing yourself to others is normal & deadly. You are stronger then you think.

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